Nurturing Relationships: The Six Dimensions
In order to create the most fertile ground for developing relationships that fuel well-being, learn to notice, listen, and ask questions along six important dimensions. By doing so, you’ll ensure you come closest to truly understanding and connecting with other people in your life.
The six dimensions are:
The facts. When you communicate, you’ll learn to start by taking the opportunity to understand and identify the true facts that you, or others, want to communicate, independent of what meaning you might assign to them. Often one can forget that this basic part of communication is fundamentally the most important.
The narrative (or belief.). The second dimension that you can take notice of, and listen for, is the narrative associated with the facts, or the meaning you have imbued the facts with. What story has been constructed, that if you understood, would enable you to better understand yourself, or the other person? Often, the narrative or belief that has been constructed from the facts is not always the same as the facts, and this is where many mis-communications can easily occur.
The emotion(s). Your emotions flow from your narrative. When you notice, listen, and ask questions, your awareness of the emotions associated with the narrative can enable you to pause, and take stock of your emotion before acting upon it in a way that will be unproductive in a relationship. It doesn’t mean that you ignore the emotion, but rather that you take the time to explore where it came from, why you have it, and how you want to act upon it productively.
The physical sensation(s). Emotions are biological responses to our thoughts. They come with physical manifestations. They can make our shoulders tight, our jaws clench, give us butterflies, or any number of other physiological manifestations. Noticing these physical manifestations can help us to ask questions about why we are having them or, if we see them in others, to listen and ask appropriately to better understand the other person’s response and origin of the physical sensations.
Your part. In relationships with other people, one can tend to focus on the other person’s story, emotions, and physical body language, and based on these things, respond unilaterally. However, because it is a relationship any interaction is, by definition, two-way. It’s important then, to notice and ask questions as to what your own role, or beliefs, have played in any part of how the relationship is evolving, or in how communications are occurring.
The need. Critically, relationships sometimes fall short of our expectations because we fail to communicate with others what we need—or fail to understand what another person needs from us. For example, you can have a need that you assume the other person has guessed, and can be frustrated by not having your need fulfilled. Or, you may not have really asked yourself what you need, or listened closely to your own inner voice for a need that has yet to be named, yet be disappointed because it is not fulfilled by someone else. And the reverse is true as well, in relation to another person. By listening, noticing, and asking about needs, whether they are our own, or those we are in relationships with, we can build better, stronger relationships that lead to a greater sense of well-being.
